PRESS RELEASE: Questions Answers... Prayers Needed.

Press Release:

Sunday, December 27, 2009

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I have had some very serious family issues comes up. 

I do not wish to speak (to the general public) about this because it’s not about me.  

Someone is my household is currently in the hospital, I take my laptop up there and got a Verizon MiFi.   

I am extremely stressed and know in the future I will be screaming in distress.   

Christmas was not the same the same this year. 

I just want to let everyone know, everything is alright now. 

I wish I knew how this is going to impact my future.   

If you need to reach me, Text Message, Blackberry Messenger is the fastest option.  Facebook Message is also pushed directly to my phone.  If I do not respond fast do not think I am ignoring you.  A temporary email address for direct questions  is:  JustinsFamily@vzw.blackberry.net    

Keep my family in your prayers.   

You think you know me.?

Somethings have came up.   I have started so many blogs but just pushed the red button and “Don’t Save”.   

I have been rather sick recently,  I think I am feeling better;  I warrant that because I was overwhelmed with anxiety.  I hope to get the cause of that particular anxiety attack fixed. 

I know one thing, I am terrified of change.  At this point right now, I know change is inevitable.  I suppose I can live 2009 the same. In 2010 there are some major life choices I am going to have to make.  If things are shitty,  I would rather them remain than risk it ruining something.   I have never had to step out make a bold change.  My life has remained consistent throughout 2009.   I have been truly blessed.  

In 2010 I will turn 20!  Just thinking about it,  I honestly think “How did I make it this far”?   Back through the years I was faced with healthcare issues where my life was on the line.  There is a reason I am here to breath this moment.  I know what I have to do with my life. 

I take this stance.  I know god will not put nothing in front of me that that I cannot handle.   So 2010...  Bring it on..

With Love, Peace and Prayers

I got skills with the scanner :]  haha

Can I have just one NORMAL day.

Sometimes I just think it is impossible for me to live a “normal” day of life.   I had a “ahhh” moment in the Wal-Mart today.   I was already stressed out because, I have lot on me at the moment.   Me being in love is starting to interfere with my family.  I am not going to let that happen though.  Someone in my family is having serious healthcare issues that has got me worried.   I was at Wal-Mart calling my step mom asking her what she wanted.  This ten year old kid was screaming!  I mean loud as hell.   I am having chronic pain that medicine will not help (its my neck). I was already pissed I had to go to the Wal-Mart for my step mom.  It F’ed up when when I go out I have to get stuff but when I am out with them we can stop at a place on the way.   In the meantime this kid is screaming, he was about 10 or so yelling at his mom wanting some toy. The mom was just like saying “no” to the kid.  The next high pitched scream I yelled “Get a stun to your kid so he will shut up”.  I was ready to get into a verbal argument because I was pissed.   

Now, My Fashion Disaster Album on Facebook is not meant to make fun of anyone.  It’s just to draw attention not to go out in public looking like shit.  

I really love my “Beau”.  I am really sad that I haven’t seen him in awhile.   I have been so busy with the holidays.  The thing is I want to spend alone time with him.   Now, I know that sounds sexual but I just want time with us two away from drama possibilities. Away from the people where he lives near.  He is really on the down low and it’s impossible to have a relationship in his town. I could careless if anyone sees here.   It reminds me of that song.

Love me or Hate me, its still an obsession.

Love me or Hate me, that is the question.

If you love me then Thank you!

If you Hate me then F*** you!

Lady Sovereign

Today my dad and step mom were arguing about where their grave plots were.  I am thinking to myself.  “Why the hell does it matter?  Your dead... It isn’t like your going to notice it”. 

Sorry, I am still working on “Unscripted”.  I am basically waiting on Asurion to get me my new phone.   

You prepare a table before me
       in the presence of my enemies.
       You anoint my head with oil;
       my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
       all the days of my life,
       and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
       forever.

Psalm 23 5-6

With Love, Peace and Prayers.   

JAM

I lost track... Who's Gay?

Straight dudes... I honestly don’t see the point in this. “gay”.  “really gay” and then of course “U guys are gay”.  I was going to Photoshop the names out; I don’t give a shit.

I don’t seen straight women calling each other Lesbian.  I don’t mean to call the dudes above out.  I randomly seen it today and it was a perfect example.  I just barely know one of them and I just know he was in a class with me; never really talked to him.     

I just don’t understand it, I know the psychology behind it.   A man’s worse shame is to be “feminized”.  When calling them gay your “feminizing” or outcasting them.  

Now, When I see such activity going on between guys.  I associate them with being in the closet.   I have a lot of friends that “pretend(ed)” to be gay and they did exactly that.     I have been told by a friend he did it so his friends wouldn’t suspect he was.   

I really wish people would realize that there are “everyday” people who are gay/LGBT.    

Do I think it is alright for gay people to call people gay or use words like fag.  The answer is... HELL NO I DON’T.   That is even worse.   The LGBT community is the most discriminated and socially damned I don’t see why would they add to the issue they support.   Kind of counterproductive.   

I will admit,  I am still weary about the “T” part.  I am learning to understand.  I think the “B” part is over used in the southeast.   If you don’t know what LGBT means...  Google it.     

I am remembering the “Peace Be Still”.   

I had some issues earlier but I think and hope they are resolved.   

With Love, Peace and Prayers

Justin 

Peace Be Still.... Dreaming...

Sometimes, I think god tries to stop things we try so hard to make work.  I am beginning to find my way.  It’s strange when so little can be so much when your happy.  It seems like the little things are hard to find.  I have taught myself to be tough, but where is the key just for be to relax.   

“Peace Be Still”  Jesus said as he calmed the storm. We face the storm because we are humans.  I was not promised that I would be exempt from the storms of life.   

Instead I resort a security where I cannot be hurt from the storm.   From Wachovia Securities to the arms of a person; I seek assurance.   

I am going to live by that for awhile.   

=======

I have a very weird way of thinking, most of you know that.  hah!   I believe my dreams are a way of telling me things.   I have learned to hide feelings and emotions; it is impossible in dreams.   I really think my dreams tell me what is on my mind and how I truly feel about things.  I have learned fairly well how to translate my dreams, I can remember my dreams well.  My doctor says very few people have that talent.  

With that being said.  I believe when you dream about something the dream is often an overstatement.   Naturally, you are able to suppress the feeling you in a dream it happens in full force.  My dreams are often about something that happened recently.  

I will rarely post what I dreamt about because its often personal.   

Basically,  I remember all the key parts of a dream.  Like one word words: “Falling”,”Chasing” or “Pain” then find an association between them all.   

Always look beyond the obvious.   Look at what the subject was doing.  

========

Parts of last night’s dream:

They all coincide one of them I think means I am expecting a transition that can happen or a fresh start or new beginning.  I do want a fresh start on somethings and wish for a new beginning.  I think this is reflecting on a past mistake. 

The next part or “word” I think means I wish I had more intimacy with someone.  Maybe emotional trust (because dreams are overstated) to someone.  It could be, I want to be closer to someone.   This can also link up that I want to be assured everything is alright from my parents 

I believe I wanted to get out of a situation, a very bad one. I am not sure what that situation is at the moment.  I have a pretty good idea though.  

I feel like I am retracting to something.  

Don’t say “Justin needs to take his medicine”.   I really think I can see my inner-self through my dreams.   Life in general we all all taught by society and nature to suppress certain thoughts.  Only when we sleep; loose control of our minds do we see the true meanings.  

============

The Story of Mr. Meow (Part 1) & World AIDS Day

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Untitled- Part 2.

I honestly don’t think I am out of the water yet.   

I had one of the saddest times in a long time.  After all of the drama went down.   I went to the Wal-Mart and just walked around.  It was really depressing because I seen couples.  All I did was walk,  I didn't want to lay in the bed medicated to keep me calm and be depressed or sleep.   I was emotionless.   

I thought it was time at this point.   “I announced I am no longer in a relationship”.   I found out later that was a serious reality check for him. 

We had a deep conversation.  He promised me that he will be only with me.   I believe it in people getting one more chance.  

Now, I know most of you are thinking with my ego.   I didn’t explode.   I didn’t have an E.R visit.  I wasn’t like Missy Elliot forced to drive a 1983 rusted Buick with missing rims.  (what im saying, no one died) haha.    I handled it calm and collected.   I will admit the Pfizer Corp and AstraZeneca did help me a lot.   I did have to take sedative medications so I could lay down so I wouldn’t say something I wouldn’t regret.  I was also breaking down in the middle of places.  

Now, I will admit and it is inevitable that I will temporarily have trust issues.  

Untitled. :[

I honestly don’t know how to say something.  I wish it was simple to say.    

The thing that comes to mind, is when beau and I were in the car and I was told “I will always be with you and only you;  I wont be with anyone behind your back”.   I agreed,  that statement really comforted me. (there was more said I will go into that later on).    I learned that I was not the only one in the relationship.   He told me, so I suppose it’s good I found out from him.   Here is the situation.   He wants an “open” relationship.  That means your in a relationship and you can have sexual relations with others. 

I consider sexual activity an act of “love”.   It was how I was raised.  I know that I do trash “southern ways” but that is something I hold close.   I refuse to have any sexual relations outside of a relationship.   

Well, I found out yesterday and something happened with another dude.  I was in the car with my step mom and dad.   I kept my composure.   I had to lay down and sleep it off.   

I am a forgiving person.  I forgive him for everything.  I hold no grudge,  the issue is that he wants to continue doing it with other men.   He says he is not ready to “settle down”.   I have enough stress as it is.  I cannot live my like knowing the love of my life is having sexual relations with someone else.   I tried my best to understand and conform to it.   It was not happening.  

Being faithful is the #1 thing I want in a relationship.   When I think about it,  I think: did I do something wrong or is it my fault.   I just know I would never go off with someone else when in a relationship.   I was 100% faithful in this relationship.  In the car I promised that will always be his friend after we broke up.  I can’t guarantee it will be the same but, I will still be his friend.    

This came to mind:  

Holy Moses I have been removed

I have seen the spectre, he has been here too

Distant cousin from down the line

Brand of people who ain't my kind

Holy Moses I have been removed

Holy Moses I have been deceived

Now the wind has changed direction and I'll have to leave

Won't you please excuse my frankness but it's not my cup of tea

Holy Moses I have been deceived

I'm going back to the border

Where my affairs, my affairs ain't abused

I can't take any more bad water

I've been poisoned from my head down to my shoes

Holy Moses I have been deceived

Holy Moses let us live in peace 

Love, Peace and Prayers

Justin

Our First Month!, Scary Truck Stop Moment and Dimensions!

Life is unreal; being accustom to know what is around every corner was comforting.  Now, I find myself not knowing.   I certainly did not plan this or expect this.  Although, I wanted it so bad for a long time, we all know what I wanted, a relationship.  I have found it, I am happy.  

Some pictures I cannot post of me because of "Gardner-Webb"Integrity.  I wasn't doing anything "bad" just the "nature/scene/background" of the pictures.  GWU you know how they play Facebook Police.  Like we are all little perfect "christianized" children.  If I told you why, why not post the picture.  

(I was not under the influence in the picture), haha

Ok, it was our One Month!  It was amazing.  Although what I normally write is complaining/funny things.  I learned he is an amazing writer from a short story he read to me on the way down there. Ok, we arrived at the beach. It smelled like ass at Broadway at the Beach,  It smelled like the lake was a sewer.    It did look amazing will all of the christmas stuff.  Im not exactly sure how I end up scaling the walls like something out of spider man, well it looked like spiderman handicapped edition since I did it.   We went and got mexican food although the conversation then was Allison and I operating on Monique  (cat from anatomy).  I was going to wait to after we ate, he was interested.  haha.   I tell you right now, I was about to whoop some ass, between Verizon Navigator and "Beau"Navigator. (I love you beau haha).  We made it to the beach after seeing like 900 cops.   There were like  a million birds in the water and on the beach.  You know how the beach has the water outlets that run down the beach.  Well we came upon one.  I heard splashes when I was about to cross.    I looked closer and couldn't see anything.   I knew it wasn't a bird because they were white.   Well I stepped up to the edge and it splashed right in front of me I screamed and ran.  Yeah.   I was freaked.   I thought it was like alligator or something haha. (yeah, for real).  (there are alligators in Lake Norman and the river).  It was really the sand eroding into the small stream.    We spent time on the beach.   I decided to take off my shoes and have sand therapy and I wanted to walk in the water.   Well first thing I did was loose my shoes (it was dark).   After finding them.   We were walking back to the car and I realized I lost my blackberry on the beach! (I was caught up in the moment).   We went back and found it.  When leaving there was this drunk girl yelling "MONKEY" from her balcony.  Of course I respond with monkey noises. I let him drive my car back,  yeah someone other than me drove it. 

I have had many stressed/tension/cluster headaches over the past few days.  These headaches were incurable by high-powered prescription medications.    My doctor said it could be altitude changes. 

Here is what helped:

We were laying on this super uncomfortable fold out bed.   We were watching “Kill Bill” and I had head on his chest just listening to his heartbeat.   Knowing he was there was so comforting.  Magically they went away.    Having that feeling is more powerful than anything imaginable.  Then we went to bed. 

Sunday was depressing, it was my last day there.  He and I went to Chili's and he told me his dad was coming down.   His dad lives out of the area and he is going to spend time with him for the upcoming thanksgiving holiday.   He hasn't seen his dad in two years so I can understand.  It's like I am ok with sad moments that are understandable.

Sadly, The weekend ended.   I was driving back home.  I seen my gas gauge and I needed gas soon.  Also, I had to go to the bathroom.   I had several drinks at the Chili's before I left.   I had the Internet Radio Streaming when I pulled into this truck stop/gas station.   My first words "Oh shit".   It was kind of ironic,  I should have known from my intuition, "Lovegame"- Lady GaGa was Playing over my pandora.   I went to the bathroom, ready to scream if needed.  I made it in the bathroom no issues.  I use the facilities I go out I see (the picture).   I had to take a pic of it to send to blog about it. haha.  I thought it was hilarious that "a guy" was added.  As I did it.   A man opened the door.   He was like your stereotypical trucker.   He did the whole "tongue side of the mouth".   I froze.   I love my mind.  I am able to come up with things at the spar of the moment.  After five seconds of shock, I took back control of my body and said "I'm Sorry,  You can get none of this good stuff" and strutted myself out.   Then ran!   Then I was like DAMNIT! I have to pump gas.  I swipe my credit card, thank god I was parked on the other side of the pump where you cant see from the door.   I kept on peeping around the pump seeing if the dude was after me.  Of course it was one of them slow pumps.  I left and safely made it back home.  

Funny enough, I think the last picture does not violate any of the "rules" set by "GWU".  

Here is a picture of us. haha.  People ask me all the time.  "Why do you hide your bf's identity".  First off, he isn't out to any of his close friends.   I am protective over him (like, I don't want any bullshit drama from here to extend to him) and you all know how I am with being mysterious. Ask my step mom she thinks I just went down the road but drove to the beach.  I don't tell her until i'm already there haha.   Thats as close as your going to get for now.

Check back for my next post.   I think beau wants me to plug his friends youtube channel.   I want to make sure before I do it though.  

I am going to flat out say I CANNOT stand DIMENSIONS!  We are forced to go to this seminar type thing where they are always saying a different message but meaning the same thing.   The man today said "if any of you in here have not heard of the "god" thing look it up it kind of cool".  Like seriously.  I found it so sarcastic.  Baptist School? and not knowing god.   Yeah.    Then I get so PISSED when someone speaks and they are like " I saved X when I was in [Place]".  People brag about it.  Keep in mind,  I am christian and a believer but when you hear it too much it's just irritating.  

Someone told me today "Im following you on twitter"... I said "Im not leading you".   I do not use Twitter.   I should get one though.   For now,  I currently do not have a twitter account.  

Sorry for the typos and grammo's (I made it up).  It's almost 3am.  

With Love, Peace and Prayers

Justin

Reflecting... My Love and Life.

I have to say I am at the happiest point of my life since I can remember; I have everything I want that is priceless.   I am in a relationship with my dear “beau”. It has to be true love.  I went back and seen my blog and pictures, I was typing about how my life sucked.   I am not typing about how nice things are going. 

We first started talking on August 10^th 2009

Started a Relationship on October 16^th 2009

I don’t like looking back, nor do I like bringing up personal info.   I kept a blog on another website, Exactly two years on August 9^th – 11^th 2007, I was writing about my depression and anxiety.  I was struggling with my inner self.   Just reading, I would talk about my medications and issues.

A year ago on August 9^th 2008.   I was blogging about the book, called "The Purpose Driven Life".  It was day 2 and I was blogging about how god has had a plan for me before I was created.   On that day, I accepted the past and decided to live in the present.  

Now look at me now! I wake up every morning thinking about my love, I wake up to a Text Message "Good Morning Baby Bear".  Until recently I had my life planned out.   I had trouble readjusting to things.   I know now, that my future is unknown.   I love it.   I love not knowing!  I love him.

Even though our first conversation he asked if I was a hoe?  I just found this haha.   It was a typo though haha.  The Subject was "hey there" the message was "hoe are you?"  

Some people have noticed my pendant/necklace cross and it has words on it.    It is the Serenity Prayer.  It got me through everything and when times are tough just saying that will empower you.  (bold is what is on the necklace)

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

That truly has made me who I am.

Love Peace and Prayers

Justin M.

Do I tolerate all LGBT people?

I was asked, “Do I tolerate all LGBT people?” the answer “Hell No!”  I can’t stand when a LGBT member of society thinks it’s all right to use words like “Fag”, “Flamer”, “Queer and other terms.  LGBT people are the most discriminated in America, and by doing that, they are just fueling the controversy.   I also can’t stand when straight people say “that’s gay”, think about it.   When “that’s gay” is used, it’s often when something goes wrong or is bad.   So they are connecting “that’s gay” with being bad. 

I stand strong for LGBT rights and non-discrimination.  

Love Peace and Prayers,

Justin M

Just on my mind.

 

I am sitting here hidden.   haha.  I am using my netbook thing with the Verizon Internet (wasn’t paid to say that).   I like it.   

I have done too much thinking.   I often do that when I am alone.   I have the all too common “snowball effect”.   I was going to say it different but yeah hahah.    :]   lol.    It makes me think.

I learned who really cared for me this weekend.  Apparently to talk to my best friend.   I have to leave a voicemail.   I don’t like talking to machines. 

I feel kind of bad…  I wasn’t there for my love this weekend.   I still have personal things I need to work out.  My grandfather’s birthday is on Halloween.   I don’t like parties on Halloween.  It reminds me too much of him.  My grandfathers was the most traumatic sudden event of my life.

Oh yeah,  my bank and I got everything settled.   When I went there transferring everything into checking then asking for an official check scared them.   Fear the Justin!

Come with me
My love
To the sea
the sea of love
I wanna tell you
How much
I love you

Cat Power

I really miss my love.  :]

LPaP,

Justin M

Screaming in a crowded room... No one looks up.

I go to McDonalds tonight to get food.   I was hungry; I just can get something’s off my mind.   I like none of my music.   I couldn’t give blood today because my pulse rate was from 116-135.   I am hardly eating.   With that being said, there is something on my mind that is digging away.   Its not a “guilty” conscious it’s just my
“safety net” I put myself in is gone.  

I am embarking on something I have never done before.

With Love, Peace and Prayers

Justin

Living in NC...?

I really think later in life, that I will not be residing in this area. It is really weird in this area. I went on the Gaston Gazette online. If your arrested, your a celebrity. If you do something sexually bizarre your on the front page. There is a 17 year old that lives about four minutes from my home being arrested for having drugs, alcohol and weapons on school property. I thought stuff couldn't happen near me, I live in a upscale neighborhood. Then we see on the Gazette Homepage "man accused of having sex with horse". I don't even need to comment on that. An armed burglar was nice enough to say "thank you". The police do not realize the extent of gang activity. The Gaston Gazette does not realize how bad they make the county look.

"god said: get up and do something"- Dr. McCall

Justin A. Morgan

Internalizing Homosexuality. :/

This morning is kind of like no other, I woke up on my own free; Lady Gaga didn't get a chance to sing. I am spending the hour before class catching up on the news.

I listen to about all music. My iTunes library has everything from Chris Tomlin to Madonna to Kanye West.

I am disgusted to see a High School coach making two male players hold hands as a form of punishment. As the students did the task mandated by the coach the other students laughed. This is internalizing homophobia.

Officials from the Aurora Public Schools say they are investigating the claims that Coach Grant Pippert told freshmen Rafael Merced and another student to hold hands and run together after a brief altercation. The two were taunted by their teammates, who called them derogatory names. Merced told KMGH-TV News that he felt the experience was humiliating.

http://advocate.com

What makes me astonished. What if one of them is gay. Believe it or not world, there are everyday people who are gay. The conclusion that came to mind is suicide. That could be the breaking point. You know, this is a first direct way I have seen. Most of the other times it's normally the coach uses feminizing names. To men being feminized is like a Cardinal Sin. I just think of the witnesses and the two students. If you haven't realized I am against homophobic behavior because I strongly believe it contributes to teen suicide. Here is the LINK for full article.

With Love, Peace and Prayer

Justin

Diving Deeper.

I start out rewriting this. At first, I was trashing my family. I was basically point out their ignorance.

I was born to a southeast family, with an extended stepfamily. My family extends to Canada, Germany and Tennessee. Most of my family is located within in the Carolinas. I was raised in the Church of God church and later migrated over to the Southern Baptist. I now consider myself an outcast from both. Although I am still Christian, I don’t agree with the SBC. With family reaching in the roots of church they were raised homosexual people are an abomination. Don’t get me started on the fact they “forget” or disregard the other ones. This is kind of a bad example but I’m using it anyway. It’s like of like Hitler’s Reign over Germany; when your exposed to a lie or in my case just a piece of material you believe it. The Nazi party distributed news and comics of Jewish people being subpar. The German People the evidence that they cooked up and they believed it. I don’t intend to portray the church or family as Nazis’ but it’s an example.

I am angered that the false claim against Washington states DOMA. (DOMA = Defense of Marriage Act)

Also in Reidsville (115 miles from Charlotte; right outside of the Triad), North Carolina the Matt Boswell and the Hillbilly Blues Band got the boot for the town festival after it’s homohatin’ lyrics. His Lyrics:

"Well you'll never take my guns, and I'll pray anywhere that I please./My daddy always told me, if you were able, and didn't work then you don't eat./All you Wall Street bankers, as far as I'm concerned, you can all go to Hell./And you can't get married, you stupid gays and queers, so why don't you go somewhere else?"

It’s good to see some of rural North Carolina get into the action. Thanks Reidsville.

What happens over time? Change.

With Love, Peace and Prayers,

Justin

The next chapter... Starting things off.

I am going to be the true me on this blog; unlike my “last chapter” on Myspace where I would use pronouns. I am no longer using pronouns.

This moment couldn’t be possible without the power or prayer. I have been waiting for the perfect person since I was 16. The perfect person is a dude and I love him so much.

I know this is real love. He lives in off I-77; I had to show him to the 485 so he could get to I-77. I broke down when I got off the Wilkinson Blvd exit.

My step-mom understands. I think there is a snowstorm in hell.

With Love, Peace and Prayers

Justin