Untitled- Part 2.

I honestly don’t think I am out of the water yet.   

I had one of the saddest times in a long time.  After all of the drama went down.   I went to the Wal-Mart and just walked around.  It was really depressing because I seen couples.  All I did was walk,  I didn't want to lay in the bed medicated to keep me calm and be depressed or sleep.   I was emotionless.   

I thought it was time at this point.   “I announced I am no longer in a relationship”.   I found out later that was a serious reality check for him. 

We had a deep conversation.  He promised me that he will be only with me.   I believe it in people getting one more chance.  

Now, I know most of you are thinking with my ego.   I didn’t explode.   I didn’t have an E.R visit.  I wasn’t like Missy Elliot forced to drive a 1983 rusted Buick with missing rims.  (what im saying, no one died) haha.    I handled it calm and collected.   I will admit the Pfizer Corp and AstraZeneca did help me a lot.   I did have to take sedative medications so I could lay down so I wouldn’t say something I wouldn’t regret.  I was also breaking down in the middle of places.  

Now, I will admit and it is inevitable that I will temporarily have trust issues.  

Untitled. :[

I honestly don’t know how to say something.  I wish it was simple to say.    

The thing that comes to mind, is when beau and I were in the car and I was told “I will always be with you and only you;  I wont be with anyone behind your back”.   I agreed,  that statement really comforted me. (there was more said I will go into that later on).    I learned that I was not the only one in the relationship.   He told me, so I suppose it’s good I found out from him.   Here is the situation.   He wants an “open” relationship.  That means your in a relationship and you can have sexual relations with others. 

I consider sexual activity an act of “love”.   It was how I was raised.  I know that I do trash “southern ways” but that is something I hold close.   I refuse to have any sexual relations outside of a relationship.   

Well, I found out yesterday and something happened with another dude.  I was in the car with my step mom and dad.   I kept my composure.   I had to lay down and sleep it off.   

I am a forgiving person.  I forgive him for everything.  I hold no grudge,  the issue is that he wants to continue doing it with other men.   He says he is not ready to “settle down”.   I have enough stress as it is.  I cannot live my like knowing the love of my life is having sexual relations with someone else.   I tried my best to understand and conform to it.   It was not happening.  

Being faithful is the #1 thing I want in a relationship.   When I think about it,  I think: did I do something wrong or is it my fault.   I just know I would never go off with someone else when in a relationship.   I was 100% faithful in this relationship.  In the car I promised that will always be his friend after we broke up.  I can’t guarantee it will be the same but, I will still be his friend.    

This came to mind:  

Holy Moses I have been removed

I have seen the spectre, he has been here too

Distant cousin from down the line

Brand of people who ain't my kind

Holy Moses I have been removed

Holy Moses I have been deceived

Now the wind has changed direction and I'll have to leave

Won't you please excuse my frankness but it's not my cup of tea

Holy Moses I have been deceived

I'm going back to the border

Where my affairs, my affairs ain't abused

I can't take any more bad water

I've been poisoned from my head down to my shoes

Holy Moses I have been deceived

Holy Moses let us live in peace 

Love, Peace and Prayers

Justin

Our First Month!, Scary Truck Stop Moment and Dimensions!

Life is unreal; being accustom to know what is around every corner was comforting.  Now, I find myself not knowing.   I certainly did not plan this or expect this.  Although, I wanted it so bad for a long time, we all know what I wanted, a relationship.  I have found it, I am happy.  

Some pictures I cannot post of me because of "Gardner-Webb"Integrity.  I wasn't doing anything "bad" just the "nature/scene/background" of the pictures.  GWU you know how they play Facebook Police.  Like we are all little perfect "christianized" children.  If I told you why, why not post the picture.  

(I was not under the influence in the picture), haha

Ok, it was our One Month!  It was amazing.  Although what I normally write is complaining/funny things.  I learned he is an amazing writer from a short story he read to me on the way down there. Ok, we arrived at the beach. It smelled like ass at Broadway at the Beach,  It smelled like the lake was a sewer.    It did look amazing will all of the christmas stuff.  Im not exactly sure how I end up scaling the walls like something out of spider man, well it looked like spiderman handicapped edition since I did it.   We went and got mexican food although the conversation then was Allison and I operating on Monique  (cat from anatomy).  I was going to wait to after we ate, he was interested.  haha.   I tell you right now, I was about to whoop some ass, between Verizon Navigator and "Beau"Navigator. (I love you beau haha).  We made it to the beach after seeing like 900 cops.   There were like  a million birds in the water and on the beach.  You know how the beach has the water outlets that run down the beach.  Well we came upon one.  I heard splashes when I was about to cross.    I looked closer and couldn't see anything.   I knew it wasn't a bird because they were white.   Well I stepped up to the edge and it splashed right in front of me I screamed and ran.  Yeah.   I was freaked.   I thought it was like alligator or something haha. (yeah, for real).  (there are alligators in Lake Norman and the river).  It was really the sand eroding into the small stream.    We spent time on the beach.   I decided to take off my shoes and have sand therapy and I wanted to walk in the water.   Well first thing I did was loose my shoes (it was dark).   After finding them.   We were walking back to the car and I realized I lost my blackberry on the beach! (I was caught up in the moment).   We went back and found it.  When leaving there was this drunk girl yelling "MONKEY" from her balcony.  Of course I respond with monkey noises. I let him drive my car back,  yeah someone other than me drove it. 

I have had many stressed/tension/cluster headaches over the past few days.  These headaches were incurable by high-powered prescription medications.    My doctor said it could be altitude changes. 

Here is what helped:

We were laying on this super uncomfortable fold out bed.   We were watching “Kill Bill” and I had head on his chest just listening to his heartbeat.   Knowing he was there was so comforting.  Magically they went away.    Having that feeling is more powerful than anything imaginable.  Then we went to bed. 

Sunday was depressing, it was my last day there.  He and I went to Chili's and he told me his dad was coming down.   His dad lives out of the area and he is going to spend time with him for the upcoming thanksgiving holiday.   He hasn't seen his dad in two years so I can understand.  It's like I am ok with sad moments that are understandable.

Sadly, The weekend ended.   I was driving back home.  I seen my gas gauge and I needed gas soon.  Also, I had to go to the bathroom.   I had several drinks at the Chili's before I left.   I had the Internet Radio Streaming when I pulled into this truck stop/gas station.   My first words "Oh shit".   It was kind of ironic,  I should have known from my intuition, "Lovegame"- Lady GaGa was Playing over my pandora.   I went to the bathroom, ready to scream if needed.  I made it in the bathroom no issues.  I use the facilities I go out I see (the picture).   I had to take a pic of it to send to blog about it. haha.  I thought it was hilarious that "a guy" was added.  As I did it.   A man opened the door.   He was like your stereotypical trucker.   He did the whole "tongue side of the mouth".   I froze.   I love my mind.  I am able to come up with things at the spar of the moment.  After five seconds of shock, I took back control of my body and said "I'm Sorry,  You can get none of this good stuff" and strutted myself out.   Then ran!   Then I was like DAMNIT! I have to pump gas.  I swipe my credit card, thank god I was parked on the other side of the pump where you cant see from the door.   I kept on peeping around the pump seeing if the dude was after me.  Of course it was one of them slow pumps.  I left and safely made it back home.  

Funny enough, I think the last picture does not violate any of the "rules" set by "GWU".  

Here is a picture of us. haha.  People ask me all the time.  "Why do you hide your bf's identity".  First off, he isn't out to any of his close friends.   I am protective over him (like, I don't want any bullshit drama from here to extend to him) and you all know how I am with being mysterious. Ask my step mom she thinks I just went down the road but drove to the beach.  I don't tell her until i'm already there haha.   Thats as close as your going to get for now.

Check back for my next post.   I think beau wants me to plug his friends youtube channel.   I want to make sure before I do it though.  

I am going to flat out say I CANNOT stand DIMENSIONS!  We are forced to go to this seminar type thing where they are always saying a different message but meaning the same thing.   The man today said "if any of you in here have not heard of the "god" thing look it up it kind of cool".  Like seriously.  I found it so sarcastic.  Baptist School? and not knowing god.   Yeah.    Then I get so PISSED when someone speaks and they are like " I saved X when I was in [Place]".  People brag about it.  Keep in mind,  I am christian and a believer but when you hear it too much it's just irritating.  

Someone told me today "Im following you on twitter"... I said "Im not leading you".   I do not use Twitter.   I should get one though.   For now,  I currently do not have a twitter account.  

Sorry for the typos and grammo's (I made it up).  It's almost 3am.  

With Love, Peace and Prayers

Justin

Reflecting... My Love and Life.

I have to say I am at the happiest point of my life since I can remember; I have everything I want that is priceless.   I am in a relationship with my dear “beau”. It has to be true love.  I went back and seen my blog and pictures, I was typing about how my life sucked.   I am not typing about how nice things are going. 

We first started talking on August 10^th 2009

Started a Relationship on October 16^th 2009

I don’t like looking back, nor do I like bringing up personal info.   I kept a blog on another website, Exactly two years on August 9^th – 11^th 2007, I was writing about my depression and anxiety.  I was struggling with my inner self.   Just reading, I would talk about my medications and issues.

A year ago on August 9^th 2008.   I was blogging about the book, called "The Purpose Driven Life".  It was day 2 and I was blogging about how god has had a plan for me before I was created.   On that day, I accepted the past and decided to live in the present.  

Now look at me now! I wake up every morning thinking about my love, I wake up to a Text Message "Good Morning Baby Bear".  Until recently I had my life planned out.   I had trouble readjusting to things.   I know now, that my future is unknown.   I love it.   I love not knowing!  I love him.

Even though our first conversation he asked if I was a hoe?  I just found this haha.   It was a typo though haha.  The Subject was "hey there" the message was "hoe are you?"  

Some people have noticed my pendant/necklace cross and it has words on it.    It is the Serenity Prayer.  It got me through everything and when times are tough just saying that will empower you.  (bold is what is on the necklace)

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

That truly has made me who I am.

Love Peace and Prayers

Justin M.

Do I tolerate all LGBT people?

I was asked, “Do I tolerate all LGBT people?” the answer “Hell No!”  I can’t stand when a LGBT member of society thinks it’s all right to use words like “Fag”, “Flamer”, “Queer and other terms.  LGBT people are the most discriminated in America, and by doing that, they are just fueling the controversy.   I also can’t stand when straight people say “that’s gay”, think about it.   When “that’s gay” is used, it’s often when something goes wrong or is bad.   So they are connecting “that’s gay” with being bad. 

I stand strong for LGBT rights and non-discrimination.  

Love Peace and Prayers,

Justin M

Just on my mind.

 

I am sitting here hidden.   haha.  I am using my netbook thing with the Verizon Internet (wasn’t paid to say that).   I like it.   

I have done too much thinking.   I often do that when I am alone.   I have the all too common “snowball effect”.   I was going to say it different but yeah hahah.    :]   lol.    It makes me think.

I learned who really cared for me this weekend.  Apparently to talk to my best friend.   I have to leave a voicemail.   I don’t like talking to machines. 

I feel kind of bad…  I wasn’t there for my love this weekend.   I still have personal things I need to work out.  My grandfather’s birthday is on Halloween.   I don’t like parties on Halloween.  It reminds me too much of him.  My grandfathers was the most traumatic sudden event of my life.

Oh yeah,  my bank and I got everything settled.   When I went there transferring everything into checking then asking for an official check scared them.   Fear the Justin!

Come with me
My love
To the sea
the sea of love
I wanna tell you
How much
I love you

Cat Power

I really miss my love.  :]

LPaP,

Justin M